How to Support Parents Resisting Aged Care

The very first thing to remember is: introducing care usually doesn’t happen overnight.

Let’s take Gregory, for example. He’s widowed and living alone. It started with the small things — you dropped by to mow the lawn. Then you found yourself doing the “big shop” every second weekend. You bring a few frozen meals when you visit, just in case he hasn’t been eating well as you’re really not sure he does eat well. You’re not technically cleaning for him, but somehow, you’re the one vacuuming and scrubbing the bathroom when you drop in.

You love your dad, and it hasn’t felt like a burden — until one Sunday night you’re absolutely bone-tired and wonder why.

Only then do you realise you’ve quietly become a carer (along with all the other titles you have in life).

When you gently suggest getting some outside help, he pushes back:

“I’m fine.”
“I don’t want strangers in the house.”
“I don’t need that yet.”

Sound familiar? You’re not alone. This is so incredibly common, more common than you’d ever imagine.

Here’s a gentle roadmap that respects your parent’s (or loved ones) independence and eases your growing load.

Start With Empathy, Not Strategy

Listen first. Ask open questions like, “What worries you about getting a bit of help?” or “What would make life easier for you at home?” The goal is a two-way conversation, not a to-do list. Try not to ‘tell’. It’s their home, their life. They need to feel in control and like they are making the decisions.

Share Stories, Not Instructions

Instead of lecturing, share relatable examples: a neighbour who has meals delivered once a week or a friend whose dad loves his gardening service. Stories lower defences and show that accepting help can be positive.

Start Small and Build Trust

Without a doubt my biggest piece of advice is go slow. So, so slow. You are better off navigating this complex issue slowly than going in all guns blazing (unless safety is a concern) and then hitting absolute brick walls which in the long run will take longer to overcome.

Before even getting a service involved, your loved one will need an assessment. This can be the first hurdle. But also, it’s the perfect opportunity to take it slowly. I have assessed people in my role who are adamant they want (need) no services. By the end of the assessment, they’ve agreed to have a home care package approval and even signed for respite and permanent care approvals ‘just in case’. I know what you’ll be thinking ‘mum’s different, she is adamant, she’s so stubborn’. Trust me, I’ve met her and all her friends before. Treated with respect and patience most people will eventually agree.

Start with suggesting just one simple service. Maybe it’s help with the garden, a weekly meal delivery, or someone else to scrub their toilet. Frame it as a trial to reduce pressure.

What we often see at Brightway is this: when support starts in a low-key way, confidence grows. That one service can often open the door to more.

Care doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Start slowly and build up to the goal over time.

Reassure Them About What It Isn’t

Many older Australians hear “aged care” and think “nursing home.” Explain that early supports are about staying at home longer, not taking independence away. They can say yes or no to each service.

Cost is also a major concern to the elderly when accessing Aged Care. You can explain that many of the services require little to no contribution. And if they cannot afford the costs then they can also apply for a hardship exclusion.

There is a fee estimator available on the My Aged Care website that can useful: https://www.myagedcare.gov.au/how-much-will-i-pay

Bring in a Neutral Third Party

Sometimes a calm, outside voice breaks the stalemate. Brightway offers independent guidance so your loved one feels respected and you both gain clarity. Think of it like someone else being the bad cop. Let the relationship be Parent/Child and allow someone else do the hard work of getting the care they need in place.

When Safety Becomes Non-Negotiable

If medication is missed, falls are happening, or exhaustion is setting in, safety moves to the front of the queue. A written care plan can keep everyone on the same page and ensure action without panic. Often working alongside the GP can be incredibly useful. Looking at any health changes that may be occurring and possible larger diagnoses. Is capacity to make these decisions around care a larger concern in these situations?

Safety concerns or imminent risk of hospital admission can also assist with getting an assessment more urgently and depending on assessment outcomes can also get priority supports in place.  

Remember: You Deserve Support Too

Care responsibilities often creep up quietly. It’s not always as a result of an overnight change (such as a fall or hospital admission). If you’re feeling stretched, it’s okay to ask for help. It’s not selfish to want the burden reduced. It can feel incredibly difficult to say enough is enough to a parent, this is often a complete shift in the Parent/Child relationship. But you do deserve the support yourself.

Call me and I’ll be the ‘bad cop’. I can navigate these tricky conversations and work towards having formal supports in place all whilst respecting your loved ones and treating them with the utmost respect and patience.

A final thought
If you successfully get an ‘ok’ to have an ACAS assessment and your approved for a Home Care Package it’s important to continue the ‘slowly’ approach if resistance is still there. You need to find a provider who will work with you slowly to introduce services. A provider who will be responsive to these needs and will work with you at a speed that allows for long-term support. A provider who has experience with this type of client and can explain to you successful strategies they’ve applied in the past.

Don’t be bullied into starting everything from the start because it more suits the providers business model because you’ll then face an overwhelmed loved one who now won’t accept anything in the long run.

Need a hand starting the conversation?
Visit our Where to Begin page or contact us for truly independent guidance.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.